I should be sleeping. instead I took a “power nap” from 7ish to 11ish apparently.
I thought I would sleep through the night when I started falling asleep just after I got home and had some tea (all around 7PM-ish). Another teacher took me out to dinner tonight because she said I needed to get out of the school and my classroom for awhile. This was after I cried to 3 different teachers (her and my roommate included) at the end of the day and vented to several other teachers today.
so here I am #wideawake at 1AM because 1- I can’t breathe (I think I am sick… AGAIN) and 2- all I can think about is my kids and teaching. and today. I guess this is what everyone means by finding a way to “let it go”, “letting it roll off my shoulders.” well… yeah I am having a hard time with that. especially after today. especially when I am beyond exhausted. and running on… EMPTY. sorry I am an emo kid, my heart’s in my teaching and I want the world for my students.
let me just say, it was another tough day. and although I realized that having “one down” is more do-able, 4-2 is still a tough ratio with my class. 3 is our magic number. our days can be extremely long but it usually gets better as the week progresses. sometimes. mondays and tuesdays are often pretty terrible. sometimes they are do-able. sometimes they are okay. other days I feel like I am literally going crazy and making myself miserable. is it me? is it them? is this real life? or am I making half of my miserable-ness up?
what more can I do to help them? and myself?
the point is… we all need a break.
I am EXHAUSTED. and sick every other week. I am running on E. and this week my heart is literally breaking for one of my students. I tried everything to reach him today. for over an hour, he was COMPLETELY shut off. and by that I mean, he wouldn’t talk. he hardly moved. and he stared at the wall. (this was after he yelled in the office that I am the “suckiest teacher in the world” and kicked my pencil sharpener, breaking it, after throwing things around my room with my request for him to do work.) I skipped my lunch and had him call his dad. we all sat in silence for what felt like hours, when I told him that if he wasn’t going to talk, I would have to. I told him that this was his chance to say anything he wanted. it could be about what was happening, it could just be “hi” or it could be about something else, but he needed to say something. well… he yelled about everything and said he hated his life. his school. me. living with his grandfather and his dad. he SCREAMED at his dad over the phone. I told him that that was not a way to talk to his dad and that if he couldn’t change his words, his attitude or tone around, I would have to take back the phone and talk to his dad for him. at that point he basically threw the phone at me. I apologized to his dad over and over and said that I was going to help his son turn his day around. I let him vent after I got off of the phone. When he finally calmed down a little, I asked him if I could go get his lunch for him. I left him in the office and got him his “thanksgiving dinner” lunch. When I got back to the office, the principal had taken him into his office. I gave him his lunch and left the office wanting to cry. time to teach spelling! yay! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry. we played spelling charades and I was cranky.
let me repeat myself, I am exhausted. and today was draining enough from one student. well, technically, I have 5.
my head hurts and I need tea.
what am I doing this weekend? sleeping.